


Here’s My Station

by MaryAnnett



Category: The Good Wife (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-06
Updated: 2015-07-03
Packaged: 2018-04-03 03:31:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4085023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaryAnnett/pseuds/MaryAnnett
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This story takes place between the end of season 2 and just after episode 3X11 (What Went Wrong)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer : All the characters belong to CBS
> 
> Note : The title of this fanfiction comes from the song « Saint Claude » performed by french singer Christine and the Queens. I probably listened to it a million times while writing.
> 
> This fic is the translation of an original french one. English is not my birth tongue, I apologize in advance if it’s not fluent / correct sometimes.
> 
> This fic is M rated because, I confess, I can’t write anything else these days ;-) . Seriously, it implies sex between women in future chapters and the use of sex toys.
> 
> Special thanks : My dear Jo, you’re the best beta reader, ever. Thank you so much for your suggestions and for your time. I couldn’t do it without you ^_^

I.

_Here’s my station_  
_Here’s my station_  
_But if you say just one word_  
_I’ll stay with you_

Christine and the Queens

 

The first feeling hitting her is incomprehension. It takes her brain 30 seconds to assimilate the information, treat it, and classify it in the « High treason » category. Quickly, hate and sorrow follow. Hate for both of them, sorrow only when she thinks about what Kalinda just broke. Peter cannot make her really sad because there is nothing left to save between them. It’s almost easier actually.

When she tells Kalinda she knows everything, hate and sorrow are so strong they become physical. Alicia wants to rip her throat out, to hit her, to hurt her the same way Kalinda hurt her. She wants her to bleed the same way her heart bleeds.

The days, the weeks that follow, it’s not exactly as if hate disappeared, but it trails away and becomes dull anger. And despair. She feels deeply angry every time Kalinda enters her field of view. It’s a strong feeling, almost palpable, which makes her feel and hear her heartbeat in her ears.  
Despair is when, just after her brief relationship with Will, she is completely alone, at home, without her kids or a friend to call for a drink. Because Kalinda used to be that friend you can call anytime for a drink or two or ten. She’s desperate because, if she is completely honest with herself, she must admit that she misses her. Even after all she’s done.

After this despair she didn’t see coming, comes two other strange feelings : Jealousy and something near gratitude. At this point, she’s smart enough to understand the mourning process took a strange path. But her ego is too strong yet to admit something went the wrong way… Or the best. Who knows… ?  
Jealousy, is when she suspects Cary and Kalinda could be more than just friends. She shouldn’t be caring so much about them. But it hurts. And makes her angry, irrepressibly…  
Gratitude, is when she discovers what Kalinda did for her, for Grace, the day her daughter disappeared for hours. It’s tainted with anger because she doesn’t like the importance of Kalinda, after all she did to throw her out of her life. She truly wants Kalinda far away from her family, from her life, from her thoughts. And especially from those embarrassing thoughts she experiences every night for a while now.

But, she takes Kalinda out of the police station anyway. And before that, she gets worked up against Cary, like a wolf defending her cubs. When she sees her, she feels like she’s looking at her for the first time. Or as if it was…different.  
There. At this specific moment, she knows they need to talk. Or at least, she needs to talk and she needs Kalinda to listen. She's not sure yet.

But in the car, the words she’s looking for don’t want to come. Instead, it’s anger again, thanks from the tip of her lips, and Kalinda hurting her again when she tells her that she hasn’t changed, she’s still the same as « before ». Yet, the few minutes they spend together in that car comfort Alicia in the fact that despite EVERYTHING that happened, EVERYTHING she doesn’t yet understand, despite anger, she needs Kalinda back in her life.

Back at the office, she is snapped up by work until 7 pm. She finds the time – actually she finds the courage – to slip into Kalinda’s office and to say, as quickly as possible :

« - I’d like to talk to you.

Kalinda raises an eyebrow and looks at her silently for what seems like a whole minute. Then she sighs and simply, slightly, she nods.

Obviously, she understands that Alicia doesn’t want to talk about work, and that she doesn’t want to talk right here and right now but later that night, in a neutral place. Alicia is both terrified by Kalinda’s silence and approval. She says, quickly again, holding her breath again :

« -What about 9 pm tonight, in that little bar we wanted to try… Before… Near the courthouse ?

-Ok. »

Kalinda is so easy to persuade it’s almost shady. Alicia stop speaking, tries to smile but can’t. She turns back and rejoins her office, her legs quivering just a little. She flabbily asks herself if the butterflies in her stomach are part of a mourning process. She knows they are not. Anyway, she doesn’t really care. Even, she manages to smile to herself.

{…}

When they’re facing each other in that just-a-little-too-silent bar, in their just-a-little-too-cozy armchairs, they both think it was not a good idea after all. They don’t look at each other, they don’t talk, they just keep staring at their tequila shots. Alicia knows she initiated the meeting. And she must admit it’s a disaster. She drinks her first drink in one go and orders a second one immediately, changes her mind and asks for two at a time. Then she gets into the talk, because she has to.

« -Thank you for coming.  
-No problem. »  
Alicia feels a coil of anger wrapping around her diffuse nervosity. Kalinda won’t help her tonight.

« -Look…I know that a flash back to what we had is not possible. But… Should we… Try something else ? Become Someone for each other again ?

There is a silence. So long Alicia starts to believe she spoke in her head. Kalinda has her nervous twitch biting her lower lip. She finally looks up at Alicia and says :

« -You never stopped being Someone to me. » 

There. Not only doesn’t she help her, but instead she makes things harder. Alicia drinks her second and third shot of tequila too fast. She orders another one, telling herself maybe it’s not a good idea to drunken her mind. But she also thinks it would be easier if the waiter let the bottle on their table.

« -What I’m trying to say Kalinda… It’s… Oh damn it ! »

She’s angry, tired and sad. She wants to get up, to grab Kalinda’s shoulders to force her into looking her in the eyes. She wants to shake her and to scream « For God’s sake, help me ! » She doesn’t do such. Instead, she closes her eyes, takes three deep breaths and says softly, slowly :

« -I miss you »

Kalinda’s hand stops meddling nervously on her glass. She freezes outwardly while her heart implodes inside.

« I mean… I couldn’t augur this Kalinda. I miss you in my life. And it’s not as if it was a pleasure to admit it. To me, to you, to anyone… »

She stops because there’s a sob trapped in her throat. And because she can tell Kalinda is shaken. She drinks another shot of tequila, calls the waiter and on an impulse of courage, she grabs Kalinda’s hand. The touch is strange, as if snow could burn.

« -It hurts me to admit that I need you like that. Because after all that went wrong, I could only want to forget you. But it’s beyond my control. I need you back in my life and I need your help to rebuild… »

Kalinda’s hand is trembling lightly in her own. The same way a chin trembles when someone is about to cry. Her eyes meet Alicia’s.

« -What am I supposed to do with that ? »

Her voice is not as tough as she would have wanted. Alicia says, shyly :

« -Maybe the first thing to ask is : Do you miss me ? »

Kalinda sighs. It’s both relief and anger. Although, Alicia can hear it in Kalinda’s words :

« -Alicia… Don’t you see anything ? Don’t you understand anything ? Don’t you even listen to signs ? Since the beginning, since before, during AND after this day, I never stopped trying to seek for your forgiveness. Since the very first day we met. »

She takes her hand back, grabs her jacket and stands up to leave. She’s angry and her chin trembles slightly when she says :

«-Telling you I miss you would be below the truth… »

She has this look Alicia never saw before, expressing a thousand feelings. From the most painful to the most tender, from the brightest to the darkest. She turns and walks to the bar entrance when Alicia stands up, unsteadily, and calls her with something tipsy, something chipped in her voice :

« Kalinda, please… »

Kalinda really wants to go. To leave her there. For her to understand that, damn it, she’s not the only one regretting what was lost. But here, she turns back to Alicia because she can tell by her posture and voice that Alicia is nearly drunk and almost lost. And, even if she’ll never admit it, there also is the promise that things could get better. She sits, sketchs a smile – the first since before – and she says gently

« -Finish your glass, I’ll drive you home. »

Alicia’s gaze challenges her, and she takes another shot, because the waiter finally left them the bottle. She fills Kalinda’s glass and says :

« -Just one last.»

They look at each other, without a word. Certainly, they are suffering, a lot. But they’re together and it’s all that matters for the moment.

Finally, after this shot, there are many others. Because Alicia needs them, and because they don’t really want to go home. After what could be Alicia’s 10th tequila, Kalinda pays the bill, grabs Alicia’s hand and says :

« -Come on, we’d better go. »

Something in Alicia’s look scares her. Too much alcohol, too many tears about to fall, and what looks like desire. She’s sure about that last one, and she’s frightened because Alicia is so vulnerable tonight. And Kalinda is so lost emotionally…

She helps her put on her coat, slides an arm under hers and drives her to her own car. Alicia protests mildly :

« -I can’t let my car parked here…  
-You’ll get it back tomorrow morning.  
-You’re as drunk as I am.  
-No I’m not. Come on, climb in the car. »

She nearly carries her to the passenger’s seat

{…}

When she parks her car at Alicia’s building, she’s aware she’ll have to help her to her apartment : Alicia is snoring softly near her, she wouldn’t be able to find her keys… In the elevator, Alicia’s entire body is pressed against Kalinda. Who is shivering while telling herself God, why, how did I put myself in this situation…  
Before opening Alicia’s door, she asks softly :  
«- Are your kids…your husband here ? »

Alicia considers for long seconds before whispering

« -No kids… They’re at Peter’s place. »

She breathes with relief, opens the door and says :

« -There. You’re home and safe now. I’d better go. »

Alicia fully opens her eyes. She tightens her grip on Kalinda’s hand and mutters :

« -No. »

In the Tequila’s mist that makes every thought hard, she can tells Kalinda is ill at ease. She tries to form a sentence in her head and says :

« -Everything’s spinning… Accompany me to my room. Please… »

Kalinda sighs again and closes her eyes to manage the surge of emotions in her head. She’s probably living the weirdest night of her whole life. She drags Alicia to her room. Alicia sits on the bed, takes her shoes off, rolls up on the still made bed and sighs with ease. Kalinda stays here, imagining more than watching her in the dark.

She wouldn’t have believed it if someone had told her this morning. She smiles in the dark, represses the need to caress the long hair scattered on the pillow. She turns away to leave as silently as possible when a small sleepy voice stops her :

« -Kalinda ?

She mutters :

« -Yes ?  
-Please… Stay.»

That neither, she wouldn’t have believed it before tonight. She gets around the bed and sits. She doesn’t think. About anything. She’s exhausted. She takes off her leather boots and jacket, undoes her hairs and lies down on the bed. As close to the edge as possible. She rests on her back, hands on her belly. Half an hour later, she’s still awake, adjusting to the dark, focused on her breathing. She doesn’t want to think.

She feels a shy hand resting on hers. If she hadn’t been so tired, she’d probably have jumped. With strength, Alicia catches her and holds her against her. She mutters in her ear, half asleep :

« -Thank you. »

She feels Alicia’s tears on her shoulder. Kalinda surrounds her with her left arm, bringing her even closer. Alicia sighs and falls asleep instantly. A few seconds later, Kalinda joins her in a foggy but soft sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

II.

It’s about 5 am when they wake up. Neither can tell if it’s the other who woke her up. They stay still in the dark. Because they’re ill at ease. Because Alicia’s head is about to explode. But also, mostly, because if they move, they’ll chase away the perfect, blessed moment they’re in. During the night, Kalinda put a plaid on them because they were both shivering. With cold and so much more. Alicia’s body is coiled against Kalinda's. She stares at her hand laying on Kalinda’s naked belly. Their clothes creased during the night and Alicia can’t be completely sure her hand is on nude skin. She must be dreaming. She can feel the butterflies in her stomach, waking up slowly. Definitely, they’re not part of a mourning process. They’re precursors of a rebirth. 

She wants to caress the soft dark skin. And as she’s not sure she’s not still dreaming, she lets her need take the lead. It’s shy, gentle, silken. She never felt like that before. She can tell Kalinda’s awake thanks to her just-a-little-too-jerky breathing on her neck. And by her small fingers tensed on her shoulder. It helps Alicia thinking about something else than the migraine beating her whole body. And she doesn’t want to think about the painful thoughts she had so many times. The ones about her being attracted to Kalinda, in which she asks herself if it’s not just about wanting to punish her husband. In brief, Brain : Stop.

She caresses Kalinda’s belly, draws the shapes of a hip, of the offered navel, inspects every parcel of the golden skin from the tip of her fingers. Kalinda’s deconstructed breath in her ears is like a reward. She tells herself she’d like to discover the hidden parts of her body. Up, and down her belly. She never did – or even wanted – that before, but there’s some kind of an archaic memory showing her the path. She slides her hand under Kalinda’s blouse. She shifts her own body to free her other hand and very softly, she unbuttons the blouse and opens each tail slowly, holding her breath. A sigh of contentment escapes her lips : it really was worth it. She raises her eyes to meet Kalinda’s. Her gaze is…Intense…Well, she’s not sure how to read it. She’s not sure she wants to understand it either. Instead, she lays a trembling hand on her chest. Kalinda’s lips open on a silent moan. Their eyes meet again. There’s something urgent in Kalinda’s. In Alicia’s are sparks of desire.

She slides her free hand on Kalinda’s back and unclasps her bra. She withdraws reluctantly her hand from the heat of Kalinda’s perfect breast, to hold her sitting on the bed. Then, she pulls away the blouse and bra and pushes Kalinda gently against the pillow again. And, as if she’d done that a million times, she leans in and presses her lips on Kalinda’s. 

She’s barely aware she might smell alcohol. But she doesn’t care. She doesn’t want to think about anything but what she’s doing right now. She won’t let consequences or extrapolations penetrate her thoughts. And Kalinda’s hands tied around her neck, and her lips parting slightly are sufficient to deduct she doesn’t care either. Under their half closed eyelids, are fireworks. Inside their bellies, waves of heat, and something humid and less romantic between their legs. But so good.

Kalinda’s body is warm and tensed against hers. She vaguely feels like ripping off her own clothes but this kiss is so…unexpected, desired, needed. It was so strongly fantasized that clothes can wait.

Alicia feels like she remembers the gesture, the manners. Even if she never kissed a girl before. Never kissed like that before. Their mouths find each other. They both moan, mesmerized. They didn’t talk but everything seems said as well.

Finally Alicia breaks the kiss, she still has in mind to discover the round and full and golden breasts she barely saw a minute before. She absolutely needs to caress them, to tease them, to watch their nipples grow hard while she licks them. Under her touch, Kalinda’s body shudders slightly.

Where her tongue is not, her fingers, her lips, sometimes her teeth are. It’s all about kisses and gentle bites, caresses and breaths. She can’t stop licking, tasting, sucking. 

At one point she remembers that a few minutes before, she wanted to discover what was under Kalinda’s skirt. She slides an adventurous hand between the warm thighs. They immediately open and at the same time Kalinda misses a breath. Her head rests on the pillow, eyes almost closed, lips opened on a silent plea. Alicia doesn’t know how to proceed and yet, the same second her fingers lay on Kalinda’s sex, she knows where, when, how and how much.

She strokes gently, drunk with wonder. She penetrates with her fingers, slowly and carefully. Kalinda’s mouth utters a sound between a moan and a sob. She moves slowly, escorted by Kalinda’s hips. She’s thrilled. They both are actually. She dreamt this so much, even before she was aware of it, that living it for real is almost too strong. By the intensity of the waves on her body, she can tell Kalinda is ready to come. She’s near crying, not sure if she’s ready.

But when she feels the vibrations around her fingers, when she sees the small golden body arching, when she hears Kalinda’s incoherent whimpers, she understands it’s all she’s been looking for. She lets a tear fall from her cheek as she watches Kalinda’s orgasm. Thanks to her, for her. For no one else.

She looks at her for long minutes, still, letting her fingers inside, barely breathing. She can’t go to what’s next to come. She finally realizes Kalinda’s watching her, dark eyes wide open. She takes her hand back slowly and lays down next to Kalinda. 

Not a word was exchanged since they woke up. Kalinda does her best to break the silence, in a low, gentle voice :

« -Are you…ok ? »

Alicia opens her mouth but nothing escapes, barely the discreet ghost of a sob. Kalinda brings her close to her. She’s still shaking from her orgasm and it makes her irresistibly vulnerable. Alicia is shaking too, and crying. Kalinda puts her wet lips on Alicia. Just for the touch. It’s a safety kiss, used when words are missing. Kalinda slides a small and warm hand on Alicia’s back. But she withdraws, scared, sits and says, tears in her voice :

« -I can’t. »

Something explodes in her head. Kalinda sits next to her and asks :

«-You can’t…what ? »

Alicia turns her head to face her. She wishes she were able to say « You’re beautiful, so beautiful it hurts. And I’d like to stay in this bed with you forever ». Instead, there is this memory which is not really a memory because she wasn’t there. But it’s haunting her, it makes her say 

« -I can’t let you… fuck me. »

Her last words repeat indefinitely in the cold silence that follows. 

« -Is it because…I slept with Peter ? »

Alicia’s whole body quivers when she hears her husband’s name.

« -Yes…It’s because I did it. »

She’s certain Kalinda is about to stand up and leave. Because it’s not a good excuse. She just did exactly the contrary…But Kalinda stays, and tightens her grip stronger. Stronger that somewhere in her brain, she thinks she’ll keep the marks of Kalinda’s fingers on her arms for days.

«-Alicia ?  
-…Yes ?  
-Let me try.  
-…Try what ?  
-To make you forget and forgive. »

Alicia doesn’t answer, stunned.

« -I just…I can’t just be the woman you fucked after getting drunk, just to take revenge on your husband. I…I deserve to be someone else. »

Alicia shakes her head. There’s this sob trapped in her throat. And her ego or something like that prevents her from thanking Kalinda right now. Thank you for trying. She manages to articulate :

« -But, how ? »

Kalinda is relieved, this means « yes, let’s try. Your turn » She only says :

« -Let me take care of it. »


	3. Chapter 3

III.

There is a real _after_ , after this night. If they hadn’t had so much work, their co-workers could have noticed it at first sight. Alicia and Kalinda aren’t that different at work. But, there is something else. Or just something, after all this time avoiding each other.

To say it simply, we can call it Hope.  
Actually, it’s much more complicated.  
Concretely, it can ‘t be described.

When they talk – because yes, they talk – Alicia really looks at Kalinda. Kalinda roves around Alicia’s cases. They even share lunch, twice, during the month following this night. Yet, they never talk about what happened. Neither at work or when they share a drink a few times. As if Kalinda was carefully avoiding the subject. So that Alicia starts to believe Kalinda surrendered the idea of getting things otherwise. And she must admit she’s both disappointed and frustrated…

But an evening at work, while they’re on a case, Kalinda slowly puts her pen on her orange notebook and says in a plotter’s voice :

« -Do you have… plans for the week-end ? »

Alicia stops typing on her laptop in the middle of an idea, raises her head and asks surprised

« - What for ?

Kalinda has an amused smile before answering :

« -A month ago I promised to fix thing between us. I’d like to try. This weekend. If it’s okay for you. And if you still want me to try.

Her voice, tainted with sensuality, is full of promises. Alicia squirms on her chair, half excited, half ill at ease.

« -Do we really need a whole week-end to…do that ?

Kalinda’s smile turns playful. She says in a low voice, coming closer to Alicia :

« -Well… We’ll manage to take breaks if that’s what you’re worried about…

Alicia’s cheeks turn into a lovely deep red despite the smile she puts on her face to hide her discomfort. At the same time, her inner thighs start shivering in anticipation. She clears her throat and says in the best imitation of confident-Alicia :

« -OK, I’ll leave the kids at their’s father’s place Saturday morning. Good for you ?  
-Perfect. I’ll text you… instructions then. »

 Kalinda has one last sharp look that shoots a flood of desire through Alicia’s backbone. She gets up and, says with a calm, controlled voice :

« -Ok. Have a nice evening then. See you tomorrow. »

She turns on her heels and leaves. Alicia looks at her, dumbfounded, amused and passably turned on. There must be a God or something because luckily, Saturday is in two days…

{…}

  
Thursday and Friday are the longest days of Alicia’s life. She’s barely distracted by work while her stress level seems to never stop growing. Finally, very slowly, time can’t last any longer and Saturday early morning is here. She’s not anxious, the tension is beyond explainable. There are these internal demons preventing her from being completely confident. From being just excited by anticipation. She’s afraid reason or fear or her wounds might take the lead over her feelings.

The night before, she got a text from Kalinda with as little information as possible. It was so Kalinda… She just knows they’ll meet at 12:30 in the restaurant of a 3 star hotel. She also knows she won’t come back home until Sunday evening. Because when Kalinda was talking about a whole weekend, she surely included Saturday night.

She spent hours in front of her wardrobe, hesitant like a teen girl would be the day before prom. And after a hundred combinations of all her clothes she finally chooses something she’d wear to 1/ have lunch in a luxurious restaurant 2/ impress her host 3/ enhance her body. In practice, she’s wearing grey pants suit, a white blouse, a red silk scarf and assorted high heels.

She leaves the children early at Peter’s place. She can’t stay in place anyway. But she finds herself completely idle when, at 11 am, she realizes she has to wait for more than an hour before her meeting. And she’s afraid of this free time she could spend ruminating and regretting. She takes her phone from her bag and calls Kalinda. She picks up the phone and the first thing she hears is Kalinda’s light laugh :

« -You’re ready ?  
-Well…Yes  
-See ? When I told you a weekend was not enough and you didn’t believed me…! »

 Alicia giggles. She’s embarrassed and amused at the same time.

« - Come and pick me then. »

Alicia obeys, too glad not to have to wait an hour alone in her apartment. When she sees Kalinda coming out of her apartment building, she self congratulates for choosing her clothes with care. Kalinda is, if it’s possible, more beautiful than ever. Or maybe, it’s her look on her that has changed. It must be that because if she looks closer, Kalinda is wearing a dress Alicia already knows, a leather jacket she recognizes, and her high heeled boots. Actually, she’s _so Kalinda…_  
The journey to the hotel is silent but not unpleasant or tensed. Each inwardly enjoys the pleasure of being with the other, the pleasure of taking this step. When they’re near the parking lot of the hotel, Alicia asks :

« -Is the restaurant ready for us so early ? »

Kalinda has her little crooked smile while biting her lower lip. She answers :

« -Actually…We’re not just having lunch here. I booked a room for us. So, I guess there’s no problem with our early arrival.

There’s this light shiver of excitement and fear between Alicia’s legs that makes her thrill. She, too, bites her lip and avoids Kalinda’s eyes before saying :

« -Ok. Let’s go then. »

{…}

In the elevator taking them to their floor, Alicia is nervous. Kalinda brings her body close to Alicia’s, imperceptibly. Not to touch her, just to brush against her arm. They look at each other, maybe for the very first time today. And Alicia says softly :

« -Don’t you think a room in a three star hotel is a little too…cliché ?  
-Hey…You gave me your blessing to try something, didn’t you ? Let me surprise you ok ? »

She slides a hand in Alicia’s who squeezes it hard. Because she’s afraid she could fall otherwise. Kalinda squeezes hard too, because she’s afraid Alicia could let everything fall.

Finally, the room is just perfect. Neither too much nor too little. Nothing she can’t handle. She puts her little travel bag on the floor and sits on the sofa in front of the bed. She comfortably spreads out. She wants nothing but to close her eyes and rest. For a long time. She feels Kalinda’s body close to hers. Without opening her eyes, she leans in her head to rest on her shoulder. The both sigh. After a few minutes, Alicia asks in a whisper :

« -Do you… Have a plan ? »

She can hear Kalinda smiling against her ear.

« -I tried…It’s hard to rebuild…I’ve never done that with anyone before… »

Alicia puts her hand on Kalinda’s :

« -What are we gonna do… ?  
-We’ll improvise. I’m good at that. »

They stay in that position for long minutes. Suspended to an improvisation. But beaming at being side by side. Finally, they separate at 12 :30 to have lunch. Their hands still connected.


	4. Chapter 4

IV. 

Lunch is another step toward reconstruction. It’s something they never did together, to have lunch in a great restaurant. Alicia observes with delight Kalinda contemplating on entrees for long minutes. She’s amused and impressed by her knowledgeon wine. She is so talented she almost succeeds into irritating the waiter with her thousand questions about fishes and meats origins. And it fills Alicia with wonder.

They don’t talk about anything important. Nothing too sensitive. Just small talk. But these banalities make all the difference. Because maybe it’s not important to know that Kalinda prefers dogs to cats or that she can speak a few word of french, for Alicia it’s more than important. It’s valuable, intimate, one of the most beautiful gifts of confidence she’s received.

Finally, it’s just a delicious and harmonious moment. At the end of the meal, exactly when Kalinda eats the very last piece of her dessert, she takes a different posture and puts on her poker face. She leans in over the table and says in a low voice :

«- Actually, I _kind_ of have a plan. »

Alicia comes closer to Kalinda. She’s relieved that at least one of them has a plan. In the mean time, she’s scared by this strange spark in Kalinda’s eyes.

« -I made a list. A list of things I never did before. That I’d only want to do with you. »

Alicia’s hand, the one holding her glass of wine, starts trembling. It’s alternately clever, touching, and terribly scary. It both turns her on and makes her want to cry. Kalinda’s dark eyes on her don’t make things easier.

« -Before showing it to you, I’d like you to do one too. »

The past two days, Alicia has imagined dozens of scenarios on how this week-end could / would / should go. Not once did she imagine herself in front of a sheet of paper, making a list of the things she wants to do with Kalinda. All that can escape her mouth is a light nervous giggle.

« -Are you…Ok with that plan ? 

-Well…I think, yes…But...When you talk about making a list, how many points are you…expecting from me ?

-Mmm…Let’s say on my list there are only two points.

-Oh…Ok… » 

Alicia ponders for a minute. Quickly, anticipation and desire take the lead over fear. A shy smile appears on her mouth and she says in a whisper :

« -I think I have two points to…explore. »

It’s the first time she sees discomfort on Kalinda’s face. Her cheeks turn pink as she bites her lips a little stronger than usual, and a shiver runs through her back, from bottom to top. Alicia, proud of herself, says in an even lower voice :

«-Finally, this terrible hangover on this first morning was a blessing. It would have ruined my first point if I had been completely sober… »

She slides her hand on Kalinda’s. There still is this haze of melted desire and need in her eyes. She’s barely aware anyone who would look at them now could see all the feelings swirling around them. Desire, frustration, love ? Kalinda says in a hard breath, because she has no voice left :

« -Come… »

She doesn’t let her the choice or the time to think about it, she grabs her hand and stands up. While Kalinda steers her to the elevator, Alicia can feel all the wide possibilities. And she can feel every one of them all over her skin and deep inside her body.

{…} 

They are sitting on the bed, face to face, eyes wide open, looking intently at each other. Between them lay two sheets of paper and a boxthe size of a shoe box. Alicia grabs her paper and gives it to Kalinda. She opens it with a thrill of apprehension. It contains two lines of Alicia’s delicate scripture.  But Kalinda only reads the first line because it holds all its promises and a little bit more. Alicia wrote :

_I want Kalinda to make love to me. With her tongue all over my body._

Kalinda closes her eyes. Inside, it’s like everything was loosening instantly. Outside, it’s as if all her body was tightening toward Alicia’s words.

She grabs her own sheet of paper, trembling. She changes her mind, grabs the box and gives it to Alicia. She stays still for long seconds in front of Kalinda’s gift, as if she knew it was going to be strong. Finally she opens the box and realizes she was right. Inside, there is a harness made of thin red leather ribbons, and an elegant silicon dildo which ties on the harness. The simple idea of pronouncing the name of this object makes Alicia completely uncomfortable. And yet it turns her on ina way she never experienced before. She doesn’t want to admit it to herself or to Kalinda, but she’s surprised. Maybe she was expecting something else. Maybe she thought Kalinda already did that before with other women. Or maybe her excitement was so overpowering she’d better stop thinking and just enjoy. As if it was too – intimate, erotic, exciting, _much_ – to simply look at it, she puts back the lid on the box and looks up at Kalinda. Kalinda whose cheeks are pink and whose lower lip is red for having been bitten too violently. She gives Alicia her piece of paper. There are two lines too. And Alicia is only going to read the first too.

  _I want Alicia to make love to me with a strap-on._  

The least they can say is that they are on the same mood. Neither of them expressed the need to listen to opera, hand in hand, all weekend long. And when they look at each other, even if it’s not written anywhere, it’s implicit that they think about spending hours on their two wishes.

Alicia closes her eyes because she feels like she’s burning from inside and outside and all around. She mutters :

« -Damn it, Kalinda… »

She can’t say more, her brain is too monopolized by their lists. She stands up and closes the curtains. Because semi obscurity is the least they’ll need. Then she goes around the bed and stands still in front of a sitting still Kalinda.

And she does something she already did for others. But it doesn’t matter because here and now, she only wants to undress slowly, eyes locked, for Kalinda. More by game than by bashfulness, she keeps her panties on. She both wants to take them off right now and let Kalinda tease her for hours before taking it off herself.

She grabs Kalinda’s hands in hers and brings her close. All against her almost naked body. The feel of the leather jacket against her skin, of her smaller hot hands on hers, the feel of her body’s weight against hers, it’s undescribable. She undresses her, taking good care to look at everything, to make her moves as slow as possible. Here again, it’s not the first time, but, _hell_ , she only wants to do it to Kalinda.

When they are finally both almost naked, bodies entwined, and only at this very moment, they kiss. For so long it becomes obvious that a weekend isn’t going to be enough.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings : Explicit sex scene, language, fluffy happy ending

V. 

Without a word, they look at each other. Kalinda bites her lower lip. Smiles. Puts both her hands behind her back, comes close enough to Alicia their bodies can touch. Then she whispers :

«- Just with my tongue… »

Alicia closes her eyes while a hot shiver is roaming all over her body. She can barely breath, hardly think.

Then their lips brush very softly against each other. Discovering, tasting and trembling at the same time. When there are no secrets left for each other, and only then, their tongues meet. At this very moment, Kalinda starts whimpering quietly against Alicia’s mouth, against her whole body. At this very moment, Alicia feels like she’s losing control. And for once in her life, she feels like she doesn’t need to keep it. She appreciates the feeling of being guided by passion. Or perhaps it’s craziness. It makes her smile against Kalinda’s half opened mouth.

Then, Kalinda snaps up Alicia’s lower lip and starts sucking it slowly. And bites it a little hard. Without warning she slides from gentle kiss to a burning one. Alicia can’t prevent a moan and a  _fuck_ from escaping her lips. Melted pain and excitement makes her jump and come closer to Kalinda. Kalinda who is smiling against the bruised and wet lip. She gently licks where her teeth were a second ago. Alicia squeezes her body against Kalinda’s, locks her arms around her waist and lets them tumble on the bed.

It’s like a fall in slow motion. Like when time suspends its course to match with the rhythm of a song we love. Nothing else exists or matters. They are entwined so tightly that only the colors of their skins can distinguish them.

Methodically, hands still crossed in her back, Kalinda’s tongue and lips start their journey across Alicia’s skin. It starts with a lobe, and the hot and talented tongue traces a path along a trembling jaw, a soft neck, a tensed shoulder. Then the other lobe, the other shoulder, the neck again. She doesn’t stop until she discovers this little spot on her throat that makes Alicia whimper every time she puts her lips on it. She takes time to lick or suck every parcel of the pale skin. She looks up at Alicia sometimes, just to appreciate the trembling eyelids and the pink cheeks. Occasionally, she lets a soft breath of contentment escape her mouth. Once she can’t help but moan at the sight of Alicia’s mouth, opened on a silent ecstasy. Hands behind her back, she never uses anything but her mouth…

Alicia’s hands are tangled in her hair. It’s something she tolerates and likes only because it’s for and with Alicia. The long fingers hook on black curls, pull them to express appreciation and property. As Kalinda’s tongue ventures nearer to her breasts, she feels a loud groan rising in her throat. Kalinda’s half parted lips surround a nipple. She does nothing more than brushing with her tongue. It’s rather a thrill than a real touch. But it’s enough to make the pale body arch against hers. Then she uses her teeth, nibbling gently to make Alicia swear. Because a _fuck_ in Alicia’s hoarse and breathless voice is probably the most erotic thing that has been given toher to hear.

After less than 10 minutes, Alicia is excited beyond the explainable. Beyond the bearable actually. And without Kalinda touching her with something else than her mouth or somewhere else than her upper body. She’s vaguely aware she’s lost control of everything. Only Kalinda matters, only this tongue is significant.

 When Kalinda rests her wet mouth  on a shivering hip, after what seems like hours of sweet torture, Alicia is so lost for reality that she doesn’t know how she can manage to say in a breath :

« -Kalinda…Please touch me…with your hands… »

Kalinda leaves the pale hip with regrets and sits on the bed. Without the weight of her body against hers, Alicia is almost cold. She opens her eyes to see Kalinda holding out her hand to help her with sitting up. She says, emotions in her voice :

« - Wait… »

She leaves the bed to get the shoe box on the sofa. When she comes back she says with the same strange tone she herself never heard before :

« -Get up »

Once standing, Alicia feels dizzy. She’s like tipsy from Kalinda’s mouth. And she’s cold. And on second thought, she wants her so badly, even a few inches away  from her, she misses Kalinda. So much it hurts.

Kalinda kneels in front of her. She grabs her panties and lets her finger slide them along her legs with sweetness. Her fingers, deprived for too long from the pale skin, can’t help stroking her demanding thighs and calfs. With one hand and much care, she spreads Alicia’s legs. Alicia’s shaking legs.

Kalinda opens the box and takes out the harness. She starts tying its leather ribbons around Alicia’s waist and thighs. She’s like hypnotised. She watches Kalinda’s finger moving with dexterity, caressing and expert at the same time. The contrast of the red leather on her pale skin is tantalizing, bewitching. Now that she’s wearing it, it’s less impressive but so much more erotic. Although, Kalinda’s fingers are trembling a little on the last red laces she’s tightening, and her breath is much more laborious. When she’s done, she steps aside to watch Alicia, carefully avoiding her gaze. And biting her lip feverishly. She says in a low voice :

« Sit on the bed »

Alicia complains. Kalinda, on her knees again, spreads gently Alicia’s legs and slips her body between them. She grabs the dildo and places it on the harness. Once it’s set, she caresses it for a while, absently. Then, she finally raises her eyes to look at Alicia. Neither of them ever felt so much desire. It’s obvious in the way they are shivering in a perfect match. Kalinda finally says :

« -There. I’m ready to touch you now. »

As if time was in slow motion for the second time today, Kalinda puts a strand of hair behind her ear. Her fingers slip for the very first time on Alicia’s sex, captive between two leather ribbons. Her lips make a perfect O. And then, just before time takes its normal course back, she takes the silicon toy in her mouth.

Alicia’s head switches back while her mouth emits a sound between a deep moan and a wild cry. Kalinda slides two fingers inside Alicia. The feeling is so strong it makes her close her eyes. Back and forth, with her fingers, her mouth, her tongue. Is it because  Kalinda’s tongue was all over her body for hours that she feels like her mouth is _really_ around her ? Even if what Kalinda is sucking is not her body nor her skin… And yet…

Kalinda slides another finger inside Alicia’s wet and hot sex. Her free hand is tensed against her wide opened inner thigh. Her nails will probably leave bruises for days. Alicia’s hips are guiding her : stronger, further, faster. Alicia finally says in a breath she doesn’t have :

« -Kalinda…I’m gonna come. »

Her legs wrap around Kalinda, preventing her from stopping, forcing her to continue for hours even if she can’t handle it. Kalinda wants to whisper in her ear _Come, Come…_ She’s so tensed all her muscles are trembling violently, inside, outside, everywhere.

« -Kalinda…Please… _Oh fuck_ … »

Her upper body falls on the bed, shaken with spasms. She mutters Kalinda’s name, and sobs incoherent words. Kalinda straightens, slowly withdraws her mouth and fingers and crawls to take Alicia’s wet body against hers. She doesn’t speak, she barely thinks.

For a long time, chills are roaming all over Alicia’s body. According to the brightness in the room, several hours have passed since they were last wearing clothes. And since this morning, probably many lives…

Alicia opens her eyes like after a long sleep. She sees Kalinda near her. She can feel her small body undulating against hers. Deep inside, she feels how much she wants to please this woman. As if it was a quest or something stronger. Alternately, she looks at Kalinda, at her bright lips, her golden skin, her trembling hands, and her eyes. Her black eyes shining in the semi darkness. She moves her hand around Kalinda’s neck and draws her against her mouth.

She kisses her with tenderness. As if it was not the old Kalinda anymore. The distant and almost cold one. She kisses her like you usually kiss a Lover. She kisses her as if she was hers.

She grabs her hips and draws her above her belly. She looks at her. They look at each other. In Alicia’s eyes there is something looking like the quintessence of pleasure. In Kalinda’s, there is only Alicia’s reflection, saying softly :

« -Come…On me »

Without quitting Alicia’s eyes, Kalinda takes off the panties she forgot existed until now. She places her opened legs on either side of the dildo. Alicia takes it in her hands, it’s still wet with Kalinda’s saliva. The feeling is so intense she could swear it’s an extension of herself. She’s absolutely sure she can remember the squeeze of Kalinda’s mouth and teeth and lips and tongue on it. She guides the sex toy at the entrance of Kalinda’s sex and gives a light pressure of her hips to start penetrating her. As it enters slowly inside her, Kalinda’s whimpers become louder and she bites her lower lip harder. Alicia is hypnotized. She moves her pelvis gently, making slow circles with her hips. Once and Kalinda rejects her upper body back. Twice and she moans Alicia’s name with disinhibition. Thrice and she murmurs with a hoarse voice:  

« - _Oh… Mon Amour…_ »

Alicia’s brain can’t treat this with words. It’s too much. She can just put her hands on each side of Kalinda’s body. Not to guide her, just to feel her waist arching and her hips creating a rhythm. She doesn’t move, she feels. She feels Kalinda’s moves, she feels like she’s inside her with her skin, her own sex. She says in a low voice :

« -Straighten up…I want to see you. »

Kalinda obeys. The  waves in her muscles and on her skin engrave in Alicia’s mind, so much she’s breathless. She watches Kalinda’s breasts growing hard, her dark nipples shivering, the golden skin shivering. She takes Kalinda’s hand and puts it on her sex. Then she murmurs :

« -Caress yourself. Just for me… »

Kalinda’s hard body moves and shakes faster while she masturbates. Her mouth is half opened on a silent plea. Her thighs, around Alicia, are tensed. Alicia says in a moan :

« -Look at me, please… »

Kalinda opens her eyes. Her hips swing for another minute against Alicia’s body, almost violently. Then she comes. Swearing, whimpering Alicia’s name. One syllabe at a time. But repeating them indefinitely. She finally collapses against Alicia. She’s holding her so close to her she can feel her inner thighs throbbing and all her body with them.

Alicia caresses the dark and wet skin. Until Kalinda resumes a regular breathing. Neither does she feel strong enough, nor she want to open her eyes. Kalinda is omniscient. The rest, the life, can wait.

They fall asleep closely entwined. Alicia didn’t get rid of the harness but it doesn’t matter. Kalinda took off the dildo just before falling asleep. Just for them to be as close as possible to each other. They will wake up Sunday in the late morning, in a room bathed in light and love.

While they are asleep, a silver lining of the moon shines on the two pieces of paper resting on the floor near the bed. On both second lines of the lists, is written exactly the same word.

_Happiness_

 

 


End file.
